Forgiveness Beyond the Blame Game: Healing Estrangement Between Adult Children and Parents

By Brian Keith Shrewsbury

Estrangement between our adult children and ourselves can create a deep emotional hole that leaves us feeling lost and alone. It is often a painful reality that results from misunderstandings and unmet expectations. As time passes, this divide may grow, and our feelings can become more isolated and hurt. However, I believe there is hope to heal this damage through forgiveness and grace, which may serve as the opening for communication and understanding, even when agreement seems out of reach. Through prayer, there may be a tomorrow that brings new healing and insight we never knew existed—never say never. Hearts can heal over time.

A peaceful path symbolizing the journey of healing

(This blog post, is a written piece that hopes to show the dynamics of healing estrangement, the significance of forgiveness, and how you may cultivate a compassionate heart that fosters understanding. This is a painful subject.)

Understanding Estrangement

Estrangement is typically a complex issue with many layers. It can result from a single event, such as a heated argument, or it can accumulate from repeated misunderstandings over the years. Adult children may feel their parents do not respect their life choices or values. It is true that parents, in some cases, do reject their children's ideas and perceived values. Parents may also feel a sense of rejection or a lack of appreciation from their children, regarding their own values and past support. In both cases, this hurt is rooted in the very thing both sides want: acceptance and forgiveness, stemming from the love they share. The love once shared in the past can become distorted, turning inward to shame and anger.

(Research indicates that 27% of adults report feeling estrangement from a family member at some point in their lives.)

The first step in resolving estrangement is acknowledging the pain we feel, as well as recognizing the pain that exists for each side of the argument. It is essential to care and validate each person's feelings about situations from the past. It is not necessary that both sides always align or agree, only that we acknowledge each other's right to our own feelings. Recognizing that there might be some common ground beyond anger can create a beginning for healing.

( One study found that as much as 75% of parents who experience estrangement also report deep feelings of sadness, shame and loss).

The Blame Game: A Barrier to Healing

When estrangement occurs, it can be all too easy to slip into blame. Adult children might accuse their parents of being controlling or unsupportive, while parents may blame their children for being ungrateful or spoiled. This blame game creates barriers, deepens existing wounds, and can alienate everyone involved further.

A calm lake representing tranquility and reflection

(A survey showed that families caught in the blame cycle reported feeling stuck for over five years on average. unable to communicate meaningfully)

The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a transformative tool that can help heal estranged relationships and create an open door to healing. It allows us to release the weight of past arguments and helps us move forward in rebuilding a better relationship with healthy boundaries. Importantly, forgiveness does not require mutual agreement—just understanding each other's differences and accepting them. Forgiveness is a personal choice for ourselves first, opening the door to move past hurt, and let ourselves grow, releasing pain and anger before taking on the task of forgiving others.

When parents and adult children choose to forgive one another, they are making significant steps towards healing themselves, the past, and the other person. The process may involve openly acknowledging the pain each party has experienced and deciding to let go of grievances and anger. This can permanently create new paths and channels for us to grow and be satisfied.

(A 2019 study showed that when individuals seek forgiveness, there is often a measurable increase in emotional well-being—up to a 50% improvement in their mental health indicators.)

Creating a Non-Judgmental Space

Cultivating a non-judgmental space in our hearts is crucial for fostering forgiveness. It requires us to release preconceived notions we may have had about the other person and to be open and honest with each other. We must recognize that everyone will reach forgiveness and acceptance in their own time and way. We all make mistakes; that is part of life, and we all need to be accepted and forgiven for our failures and loved anyway. This is not easy.

Creating a new relationship demands patience and empathy toward one another. Open and honest conversations—where we truly listen to one another—play a vital role in the process of moving forward. Try setting aside time for both sides to express their feelings without fear of judgment or retribution. It can be transformative to listen to another person’s perspective and may help us see our mistakes and learn for the future. It has been shown that families who practice active listening and validation often experience improved relationships and an increased sense of connection.

(Active listening is the conscious, engaged effort to fully hear, understand, and respond to another person, aiming to foster clear communication and mutual understanding)

Seeking Solutions Together

Once forgiveness has begun, we can work together toward solving problems that meet both parties’ needs. Understanding new ways of communicating may be necessary to find compromise. This may include setting new boundaries, adopting new styles of talking, and recognizing that people in our families have changed and grown. Sometimes, family therapy may be useful. The goal is to cultivate a healthier, happier, and closer relationship that respects both the parent’s and the adult child's feelings. People grow and change, and living in the past perceptions of each other only makes things worse. Let's allow each other the space to grow and change, and discover one another where we are, not where we were.

Always try to approach this process with as open a heart as possible, with a willingness to compromise for the good of each other and the whole family—especially if younger children may be affected. Remember that healing takes time. Small steps, even simple actions like sending a friendly text or having coffee together, can initiate significant changes. What a blessing it would be for those changes to last a lifetime.

The Role of Faith in Healing

For many of us, faith plays an important role in the healing process. Sometimes, turning to a higher power for guidance and support is comforting, giving us guidance to stay on course and avoid hurting each other again. Prayer is a valuable tool for seeking both forgiveness and understanding, and it can help us feel less alone and isolated if things don’t work out as we hoped.

A blooming garden symbolizing new beginnings

It is through faith that many individuals find the strength and grace to forgive and move forward. This may not work for every family, so it's important to respect and be empathetic toward each other’s views. Again, agreement is not always necessary; grace and understanding are what matter.

Moving Towards Healing

Estrangement between adult children and parents can feel insurmountable, but resolution is possible. With time, patience, and understanding, countless families have found hope and healing. Hearts can recover, and new relationships can be built. By letting go of past blame and embracing future forgiveness, both parties can begin their journey toward healing. Creating a compassionate space allows understanding and empathy to grow. Giving forgiveness to each other—and especially to ourselves—is a precious gift. Holding on to hate and anger is a heavy burden that only isolates us further from those we love.

" holding onto hate is like giving yourself poison, and expecting the other person to get sick and be miserable." This is not a very good way to view life.

In Conclusion

As we navigate this journey, let’s remember that healing takes dedication, time, and effort. Be patient. Seek solutions together, and, if needed, let faith be your source of strength. With a commitment to grace and forgiveness, even the most strained relationships can be repaired. The road to reconciliation is not just about mending relationships—it’s also a path of personal growth and understanding. Embrace this journey, and let forgiveness lead you towards a better life, filled with love and acceptance. Let it be a reminder that while the past may have brought pain, the future is full of possibilities for new beginnings.

I pray that: As you embark on this journey, may you find the strength to forgive and the grace to heal.

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Key Sources

• Cornell Family Estrangement and Reconciliation Project: Found that 27% of Americans were estranged from at least one family member.

• Emotional impact on estranged parents: Up to 75% of estranged parents report deep feelings of sadness, shame, and loss.

• The positive effects of forgiveness: Studies show measurable improvements in well-being for those who practice forgiveness and seek reconciliation.

• Strategies for reconciliation and active listening: Psychologists and family counselors suggest that active listening, boundary-setting, and therapy can foster healing and reconnection.

• Dr. Karl Pillemer's research: "Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them" explores why families break and how many ultimately reconcile, with numerous personal stories and lessons.